So I'm in college and it's a Friday during lent. Seeing as my school was one that honored the Catholic traditions, the only meal options at our cafeteria were fish entrees. I went with the garlic cod. I didn't know it at the time, but this decision would alter my life in a very deep and very profound way.
Shortly after dinner, my roommates and I went back to our place for a couple of pre-party Natural Lights and a couple of games of Foosball. The clock hit 8:30 and we decided it was time to head out. Our buddies were having a party, and we always drank well there, so there was no sense showing up late. As we were approaching the front door on our way out, my stomach shifted ever so slightly, and I suggested that perhaps I should take a quick poop before we left. My roomies said we didn't have time, so I decided to dance with the devil.
The party was a blast. All of our friends were there, we always had a full pitcher in front of us, and it wasn't overly crowded. Best of all, this cute little thing that I had flirted with from time to time was there, and I was working my drunken charm to a T.
The party ended and we headed to the bar. The little lady had to run off to meet some friends, but assured me that she'd show up at the bar. Whatever, I thought. Worst case I'd get wasted at the bar and head back with my roommates.
I had an episode at the bar with the stomach shift again. I decided to go take a . I got back there and one stall was taken, and another had been puked on. Since the girl hadn't come back to the bar and there was ten minutes til close, I figured I'd pass on ing at the bar and pound it out when I got back.
As we're walking out, the girl meets us on the sidewalk. "I didn't think I'd catch you," she says, and invites me to come back. I knew I had a decision to make, but decided to let my manhood do the thinking instead of my colon. I went with her.
One thing led to another, and pretty soon we're going at it. You can't possibly understand it unless you've done it, but trying to have sex when you have to take a is kind of like driving 90 down the freeway without cleaning off your windshield. Things seem to be going along ok, but you know that at any moment you just mind wind up wrapped around a bridge embunkment.
Every thrust, every twitch, every MOVEMENT brought me a little closer to leaving her a four pound pile of right on the bed. At one time she wanted to climb on top. I politely declined.
So we finally finish, and I know I've got 7, maybe ten minutes top. Luckily, she seemed to fall right to sleep, so I immediately began searching for the nearest bathroom, which I found just a few feet from her bedroom. I knew there was going to be some fireworks, so I start searching for the fan, and there isn't one. Bad deal, but I'm improvising, so I turn on the water facet for some extra noise. And then....I unleashed hell. One of my top three s all time. I couldn't even stand it. I think I saw paint starting to chip off the walls. It was one of those where it mounds up, and the peak is about three inches above the water. Just freakin' brutal.
I flush, and luckily everything goes down. Phew.
Now, about that fresh rotting-carcass smell I left. No spray. No f**king window. Ok, they're chicks, right, there's gotta be some hairspray, perfume....SOMETHING, right? Not a damn thing. There wasn't even a towel in there to waft away the smell, NOTHING. I couldn't believe it. Luckily, everyone was asleep....
I open the door, and she's standing there, waiting to get in. I'm in the doorway, naked, having just taken a Herculean that is absolutely FESTERING, and she wants in. Reluctantly, I moved to the side and let her in. I heard her coughing, gagging...it's possible that she was sick from drinking, but it's DEFINITELY possible that she was MORE sick after she went in there.
I didn't hesitate for a second - it was clear what I needed to do. I got dressed as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there. I wound up hitchhiking home with a couple of wasted freshmen that I barely knew who had about as much business driving as I did taking that in a ventless bathroom. But we made it.
Not sure I can say the same for that poor girl.
I have a few friends in the neighboring towns when it comes to baseball. I was asked to go the the Mayer Blazers beer bash. It was one of those beer bashes that start at 3-4 then take a break, 5-6 take a break, 7-8 and done. I paid 3 dollars for the ticket so you damn well know I was there at 3. It was myself Steve Olson, Chad Krenik, and Marty Kadrlik, and somehow I think Joe Simon, but I'm not sure. The bash started out fairly normal, drinking, talking, sneaking pitchers for the off hours. Later on they had the drawing, and I won a hat that I had already bought. The bash ended and there were quite a few people in there. A lot of the people were talking to us cuz we were the outsiders and bigger than anyone in there. I was talking to Marty when a slightly below average girl comes up to me and says I have your name tattooed on my boob. I said whats my name, and she said no really I have your name tattooed on my boob. She then pulled up her shirt and it actually read your name (nice boob too). We laughed and then made her pull the same trick on Chad and Ole. I looked at Marty and said follow along. I called her back over to us and told her that Marty and I were arguing that she only had one boob. She said no I have 2, i said no way, you only have one, and Marty said there is no way you have 2 boobs. She said yes I do, and pulled up her shirt and showed us her boobs.
She left and I started talking to some older guy about polka music. He said he knew of a band from New Prague, but he couldn't think of the name of it. I got Ole over to help us figure out who it could be. We talked for about ten minutes and I told him that I was in a polka band. He asked me the name of the band. I told him that it was Steve and the Ole Sucks, he thought he might have heard of it, he was going to look for one of my CDs at Downtown Sound next time he was in New Prague.
The bar was starting to get a little slow and we got invited to a party in New Germany, what the hell we'll go. We get there and its a pretty big party in a shop. I walk in with Chad and everyone stares at us, like who the hell are these guys. About 5 minutes later Ole and Marty come walking in out of breath, and I think one of them was bleeding. Turns out there was a running snowmobile outside. When they were done riding it, it was still running but it was upside down. By now people are starting to question who we are cuz it an anniversary party, and we have no idea who these people are. Marty and I decide to go eat some food so people stop questioning us. They had a flat bed semi trailer damn near full of food. Marty and I decided to eat 1 thing off the trailer, not just one bite the whole thing. We ate all of the Hawaiian bread, every bit of it. It took us about 15 minutes. Then we got Chad and Ole involved and we ate all of the summer sausage next. Then we were asked to leave. We ended up at a bar in New Germany and into a mix up with some of the guys there, and we got kicked out and locked out. The bartender came out and told us that she was protecting the people inside not us, and no one can leave the bar till we do. So we sat in the parking lot for awhile and watched some guy taunt us through the windows. Some how Chad got back inside the bar, and was trying to punch the guy that was taunting us. Eventually we got bored and decided to go home. Ole started to drive and went in the ditch 2 times, before we got a mile away from New Germay. I ended up driving home from there. I would say within 2 minutes of me taking the wheel I was the only one awake.
Another Mayer Beer Bash
Veseli played Mayer on a Saturday afternoon. With my baseball connections they also scheduled there beer bash on the same evening. This one was a 7-9 one. Chris was gone that day for the game and we kinda fooled around a little bit on the field, I started at second base stuff like that. It was the top of the 5th inning and we were up 18-3, we had 22 hits. They used 4 pitchers and the same guy that started was pitching in the 5th. Their coach came to our bench and said were done, they quit. We weren't real happy, but they weren't going to play anymore. They said for all the trouble we will give you 12 dollar 12 packs, and then we didn't care about the shortened game. I don't know how many they had when we started, but they didn't have any left when we were done. The shack guy said there were only 3 left and just gave them to us in a cooler and he locked up and went home. We finished them up and still had an hour to burn before the beer bash. We went into town and pretty much exploded our team, 3 guys went this way, 4 went that way, and so on. We all were going to meet at the beer bash bar at 7. Chad Krenik and I went to the biker bar in town, they were having a steak fry. We tried to eat but we were to late. We talked to a bunch of people, did stuff. Chad talked to a guy who was selling raffle tickets for some deal. He decided to trade him a steak fry ticket. I was talking to the bartender and noticed that they had thongs for sale. I thought to myself I don't have a thong at home I needed one. It cost me 9 bucks. Now what do I do with it. Chad and I went to the beer bash and everyone else was there. I had buyers remorse about this thong I now own, cuz I needed more money now. I had an idea. I put the thong on over my baseball pants, and it looked pretty funny. I started to grind on someone from the ball team and they yelled at me. Huh, so I started to grind on every dude in the place. I would come up to them and start to basically dry hump them, they would try to get away from me and I would just follow them. I said for a dollar I will quit. One guy gave me 2 dollars and said don't ever do that again. I made enough money to pay for the thong and an extra 17 dollars. About a month later Chad got an envelope in the mail from the guy he traded dinner tickets with. The envelope contained a check for 500 dollars, he won the big prize.